ISBN-13: 9780316191296
Grade: A
So stating the obvious here...David Sedaris is a genius. Holidays on Ice is a perfect example of what is wrong with the Christmas season. While this book is only 6 essays, you'll be snorting out loud during all of them.
SantaLand Diaries is an essay about Sedaris' time spent working as a Macy's Christmas elf. What I learned from this essay is that there is never enough hand sanitizer, and that those adults who dress up in department store costumes have some seriously twisted minds. Whenever I have kids, they will not be going anywhere near any store Santa. God only knows what is crawling on those costumes and those are bacteria and viruses that I prefer not to bring into my home. Maybe I could bribe a friend to dress up instead.
Seasons Greetings takes on the horrid Christmas newsletter. Words cannot express how much I hate Christmas newsletters. I don't care how awesome everything in your life is. Nor do I want to see pictures of your funny looking kids and spouses. And it's no longer a newsletter when it's more than a page and requires extra postage! I'll refrain from naming names, but those in-laws of mine know who they are and read this blog. And yes I called your kids funny looking. Whoever told you they were cute is a bold faced liar. Oh yeah and for us regular folks, life isn't always that great. In fact I cannot remember the last holiday season that I didn't want to hibernate until spring.
Dinah the Christmas Whore - suffice it to say that a few of the women my chef husband works with fit Dinah to a T. God help me if they ever come to my home during the holidays.
Front Row Center is about the massacres that are holiday pageants/plays. These are pageants that school's drama departments butcher year after year. There's a reason why the Christmas story has been around as long as it has, and that reason is why you shouldn't change it. And for the love of God, no one wants to sit in a stuffy gymnasium with a bunch of people who smell like onions while cheering on their ridiculously dressed kid.
Based Upon a True Story is another one that reminds me of above mentioned offending in-laws. This essay pokes fun at the religious zealots that seem to come out of the woodwork during the holidays. When I see said zealots all over tv begging for money (while they fly in private jets and drive Bentleys) I tend to view them as utter frauds. If they want my trust, get the hell off tv and maybe then we'll talk.
Finally, Christmas Means Giving is about the incessant need for rich bitches to one-up each other in every aspect of life. Trust me, I grew up in a yuppie neighborhood. I know what these people are capable of and it's not pretty.
I plan to add Holidays on Ice to my permanent library and re-read it every Christmas. And I won't be surprised if those nameless offenders take me and the husband off of their Christmas card and novel list. Won't hurt my feelings.
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